a long exhale & some small breaths in

creation abound! and then comes exhaustion

hello there!

it hasn’t been a while this time! i’m so glad. life’s river continues on and i've been doing alright.

a couple of my poems were accepted into LBRNTH Lit Magazine, which i’m really grateful and excited about! i’ve gotten back in the swing of editing for Polyphony Lit again, and it’s a lot easier than it was before. i think i’m letting go of the intense connection i feel i’m supposed to have for everything i edit.

i also ordered this zine grab bag & a cool book of writing exercise that has really helped me feel creative & productive with my writing even when i’m not working on a poem or story or something !

i made a couple more zines and then burnt out on ideas a little bit, but i don’t feel worried this time. i think it’ll come back to me, soon.

my first one is just about horror and its forms, and it’s pretty cool! i went on a rant halfway through about white amerika & its fears and how it affects horror here. i hope you enjoy that.

the second one is heavier. recently, a student at my school died of an overdose— most likely from taking something laced. i didn’t know him too well, but it still took a toll on the entire school. it not only got me thinking about death & endings, and even my own experience with the ‘death’ of a close friend of mine (long story…), but how drug education has failed us so thoroughly.

i hope this zine can honor him and encapsulate some feelings that anyone might share with me.

i’ve been taking moments to remember him daily, even though i barely knew him at all.

- - -

i cancelled my jazz piano lesson yesterday because i wasn’t doing too well, and felt an incredible amount of guilt about it. i laid in bed and felt that disgusting feverish feeling i get when my symptoms are bad, even though i don’t have a fever.

i felt like i made the wrong choice for a while, and then decided that although i wasn’t doing what my body was asking for right now, i wouldn’t have been if i’d gone to piano.

so i made the right decision for myself and rolled out of bed to do some yoga on a blanket on the floor of my room & listened to music instead, and my dog interrupted me by laying under me during a low lunge, and even though it didn’t cure me, i felt genuinely rejuvenated after.

it was an experience that reminded me i need to be careful and aware of whether i’m really listening to myself in every way i can be. please do the same, whether you’re chronically ill or not. your body is telling you all you need to know, and you need to work with it, even when it feels like it’s working against you.

i’ve learned that lesson over and over again.

here’s a little playlist of slightly dark/slow/emotional songs from that mini, cut-short yoga session i had:

• i got what i wanted by joan shelley

• you want it darker by leonard cohen

• this is how we walk on the moon by josé gonzález

• eye nyam nam ‘a’ mensuro by ebo taylor (henrik schwarz blend )

• alligator girl by langhorne slim

• lay, lady, lay by bob dylan

• pink matter by frank ocean, andré 3000

• wicked game by chris isaak

i read this cool comic a long time ago about how creating is like exhaling and that you can’t just keep exhaling forever. you have to inhale eventually, and rest and recharge and fill yourself with the experiences & joy that inspire creation by just living!

i’ve been letting out a long breath lately, so i’m trying to take small inhales every day and rest myself so i can keep creating in a way that’s sustainable for me.

i hope y’all are doing wonderfully and either taking a deep breath in & resting or feeling joyful & excited about creating & sharing with the world around you. take care of yourselves, yeah?

best of omens,

xalli