i wish it really felt like a desert here

a monologue

g’morning, y’all ! or g’night, or good afternoon, or good evening— depending on where you are and when you’re reading this.

here are some of my thoughts today.

i live in a desert, and i love it, but i wish it really felt like one sometimes. i love california to death. as much as i want to leave as soon as i can, i know i want to come back, too. i love how california has so many selves. it's the coast and the mountains and the desert and the woodlands and the grasslands and the redwoods. every 100 miles is different from every other hundred miles

i think that echoes me, a little. i've never felt like one thing. i talked about it before-- being bi, polyamorous, multi-faith, multi-racial, 2spirit, etc. torn between worlds. i've always tried to label myself in some way or another. i like fitting into something

i try to be punk or i try to be however people imagine a pisces should be or i try to be cunning and flirty or whatever other weird aesthetic-personality box i can think up. and recently, i've let myself be everything, and started flowing between these different "me"s effortlessly

i can't think of it as my person changing. it's not me becoming something else. the something else i'm morphing into is already part of me. the chrysalis is a pretty used metaphor, but it's true. animals.howstuffworks.com says that during metamorphosis, "much of the body breaks itself down into imaginal cells, which are undifferentiated -- like stem cells, they can become any type of cell," and i feel like i understand that in some weird way. all of the things i become were already me, somehow

but anyway, i was talking about california, and the desert, and how we're more of a concrete desert than a real one-- except not really, because it's beautifully green here, but none of it is native greenery, and everything feels imported. there are very few places in the city where i feel like california is really made of california— at least in a natural sense. the architecture itself feels very right, even though it’s all so different

it’s interesting, though, because when i dipped to the east coast for the summer, i really missed the flora here ! i remember being so excited about providence, because the plants felt like home. but i guess it’s less that it doesn’t feel like home, and more that i get this feeling it shouldn’t be. the nature can be beautiful, of course, but it's not here in so many ways

makes me think of invasive species, and how they aren't inherently bad, but destructive because they're not where they should be. harmful to themselves and others, both, y'know?

when i went to utah, everything felt very utah. it probably isn't, to an extent, and i'm sure a lot of my perceptions of it are because i'm an outsider, but i felt the mountains in the city. i felt the lakes and the harsh wind and the brush at my heels while i walked through the streets to get myself fitted for some new rental snowboarding boots

i feel the same way in a lot of the southwest-- excluding vegas. fuck vegas. i hate that city. i'm sure there's something good to be found, there, but like. sodom and gomorrah incarnate, no? it’s so easy to compare to

but i don't know. i still love it here. it just makes me feel weird sometimes, when i think of what all this should really look like

i started listening to a podcast recently. i don't know how long the interest will last-- i've never been very good at keeping up with podcasts. it's a hard thing to do, listening to one while doing something else, and i don't feel like i have the time or attention span to just listen to a podcast. maybe that's something i should work on, but i don't know if that should be a priority right now

anyway, the podcast is called unwell, a midwestern gothic mystery. it seems really fucking sick and i really wanna listen ! i hope i stick with it

also started listening to some really cool sista grrrl artists. some favorites at the moment are honeychild coleman and tamar-kali (of course) and then trash kit, queen crescent, and also big joanie-- who i'd already been listening to and Adore ! you should listen to their cover of cranes in the sky (originally by solange) if you haven't

this is pretty long, now, so i'll end it and say goodbye, now. talk to me, though ! tell me how you are. go on a rant. say something. i’d love to reply to your comments or emails or instagram dms or anything. hopefully i can write more often

𓅭 𓅮 𓅯

wishing you joyful little moments that make your week

- xalli